It hurts too much
by Immortalgothgirl
Summary: Cat's death hit everyone hard, but needless to say, it hit Jade the hardest. (Warnings: Character Death(s), Alcoholism and suicide.)
1. Chapter 1

It hit them all hard when Cat died. Beck, Robbie, Andre, Tori and even Trina shed a tear, but they all felt they should deal with their grief privately, because right now, they needed to help their friend get through this, because whilst it hit them all hard, It was needless to say it hit Jade the hardest.

It was a Thursday morning, they all came to Hollywood Arts, completely unaware of the news that would shatter their world forever, they had Sikowitz first lesson, everyone did what they normally would, Robbie would be engaging in a blazing row with Rex, Beck and Andre would be idly chatting about anything and everything, Jade would sit on the chair awaiting her girlfriend's arrival, an arrival that would never come, whilst making a snappy, snide remark to happy and bubbly Tori if she tried to engage in a conversation.

Then Sikowitz walked into the room and the atmosphere changed completely, the usually whacky and weird Sikowitz was pale, with an ominous, grievous look on his face. "Everyone, s-sit." Sikowitz found it hard to get his words out, he wanted to cry and sob until he got the grief out of his system, but he had to be professional, for their sake, "I'm afraid theirs b-been some-an-there's been a-" Sikowitz could feel the grief battling its way up his throat, the students could hear the grief in his voice too, they didn't say anything, just listened….Jade didn't know why she'd only just now noticed this, but Cat wasn't in the room…._Cat never misses school…._Jade thought, "I'm afraid I have some very sad and painful news for you all." Sikowitz felt sick to his stomach, "Cat Valentine died last night." He watched in agony as he saw the grief take over their faces, a morbid silence filled the room, "You all knew Cat as a lovely, happy, and bubbly girl." His own voice was starting to crack, "This is a tragic loss for all of us, Cat touched the hearts of many people at Hollywood Arts, and she will forever be missed, but also, she will be forever remembered." Sikowitz couldn't say anymore after Jade ran out sobbing her eyes out, it was just too heart breaking.

Tori was heart-broken when she heard, Cat was the life and soul of their little group, she'd never hear Cat's quirky random comments, never see that big bright smile again, Jade hasn't come into school for two weeks, for Jade's sake, Tori would put her grief aside and visit the West household.

Tori took a deep breath before knocking on the door, "Is Jade in?"

It was Mrs. West who answered the door, "She is." Mrs. West looked very depressed, just as Tori was about to go upstairs to Jade's room, Mrs. West grabbed her arm gently, "She's heart-broken." She said, her voice wavering, "My poor baby…..knowing there's nothing I can do."

Tori was close to tears already, "Jade loved few things, but no one could question her love for Cat, Cat was everything to her, we can't bring her back, but what we can do, all of us, is be there for Jade, and support her." With that Jade's mom let Tori go up the stairs. Tori was expecting Jade to be in a bit of a state, but what she found when she opened the door to Jade's room was even more heart-breaking. Jade was sitting on her bed, necking down a bottle of whisky, she had her laptop on her bed, and she was watching videos of her and Cat on TheSlap. Her tear stained cheeks were glimmering against the light of the screen.

Jade hadn't even noticed Tori come in, she didn't even care, nothing mattered anymore, everything she loved was taken away from her, Cat, the love of her life, her soulmate, was gone, there was nothing left for her, nothing but death.

"Jade, you're torturing yourself." Tori said, but the way Jade kept chugging down her whisky and watching hers and Cat's videos, it was as if Tori wasn't even in the room, Tori was lost, she knew she had to help Jade, they all did, but Jade hit rock bottom, and Tori wasn't sure she could help, "Come back to Hollywood Arts, we miss you." Jade said nothing and continued to stare at her laptop, a single tear spilling onto her right cheek, "Please." Tori said meekly,

"I can't." Jade's voice was merely above a whisper, she sounded like she lost her voice, but she lost something so much more than that, she lost her reason to live. "Everything in that place reminds me of her."

"I'm not going to force you; if you want to come back then you'll do it in your own time." Tori pressed a motherly kiss on Jade's forehead and left the room, when she was sure Tori had left Jade pulled back out the razor she'd hidden in her bedside cabinet, she glanced back over to the smiling redhead on the screen and let the tears fall, as well as the blood that came flowing out of her arm when she sliced it with her razor.

**AN: ****Jesus, it broke my heart writing this, should I leave it at that or should I continue? Please remember to review. X**

**Immortalgothgirl**

**xx**


	2. Chapter 2

Beck stood on the doorstep of the West's house with a bouquet of flowers, white lilies. It was the only thing he could think of, Tori had told him of the state Jade was in, and he didn't think he could bear to see Jade like that. A gloomy looking Mrs. West opens the door, "Oh….hello Beck." She said wearily,

"Is Jade in, I brought some flowers for her…I know it's not much considering the circumstances…." Beck trailed off, normally he wasn't one to show his emotions, but when he found out about Cat's death, this massive wave of emotion had hit him, first shock, then upset, now grief,he wasn't sobbing uncontrollably, well…not on the outside anyway, but on the inside, he was hurting, they all were, Jade more than most. Mrs. West took the flowers from Beck and put them in a vase, she sat Beck down in the living room after she poured Beck ad herself some Coffee.

"I don't know what to do." Jade's mother says tearfully to Beck, "She won't eat, she won't talk, the only thing I hear at night is her sobbing, and even when I go into her room, she can't say one word without breaking down." Beck sipped his coffee and said nothing, right now he had to be the strong one, for Jade.

"I just wanna see her, we're all worried about her." Jade still hadn't been into school, it was understandable, but Beck needed to make her see she had a group of friends who could support her.

Mrs. West looked at Beck sadly, "She's upstairs."

As he walked up the stairs he was bracing himself for what he might find on the other side of the door, honestly, he didn't know what he was expecting, he turned the handle and opened the door. Jade was lying down on her bed wrapped in her blanket, with an empty, listless expression on her face, at the foot of her bed were several empty bottles of whisky and vodka many others Beck did not care to note, he slowly made his way over to the chair beside Jade's bed. Beck was at a loss for words, he'd _never _seen Jade so emotional and heartbroken before, but then again, Cat wasn't dead then, now she was and Beck knew that now Cat's dead, the best part of Jade died with her. "I…I brought flowers…they're um…they're downstairs." Jade said nothing, but sit herself up and looked at him, Beck didn't like the look she was giving him…..it wasn't a nasty or malicious look, it was…hollow…..like everything behind those eyes were dead…..it was like, in those eyes were the reflection of her soul, dead and broken. "Jade…..I don't know what I can say-"

"You can't say anything." Jade said roughly, but quietly, "Nothing you say is going to make it better."

"Jade." Beck began, he put a hand on her shoulder, speaking to her in the most sincere voice, "What you don't need right now is everybody wrapping you up in cotton wool and treating you like this fragile mess." In truth, that's exactly what she was, but treating her as such wouldn't help at all. "And what you don't need is people making you feel like you can't breathe."

Jade turned her head to face him, tears running down her cheeks and her voice sounding as hollow as she felt in the inside, "Maybe I don't want to keep breathing." Beck chose to ignore that.

"What you do need, is friends, friends who know what you're going through and can support you." Beck said.

"You don't know what I'm going through, none of you know." Jade's voice sounded as stony as the look on her face, "Yeah, you lost a friend, a good friend, and that must hurt, but I lost more than a friend, I lost the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with, so tell me Beck, on what level can any of you understand what I'm going through?" Beck could hear the bubbling undertone of venom rising up in her voice, he couldn't relate, he couldn't give Jade the counsel he so really wanted to and she so desperately needed to hear.

"I can't." He said, looking down at the floor in defeat,

"You can't." Jade repeated with a certain finality in her voice, "Look, I know you're trying to be there, all of you are..." Suddenly a look took over Jade's face, and Beck immediately noticed the drastic change from hollow and empty to being on the verge of going hysterical, "Beck I can't do this." Jade suddenly said and started weeping, beck quickly held her, rocking her back and forth in an attempt to sooth her, to no avail. "I don't want to be here, not without Cat." She cried, Beck only held her shaking body tighter, trying not to cry himself, "Beck I can't do this." she cried again, sobbing into Beck's shoulder,

Beck cupped her face with both of his hands and looked her dead in the eyes, "Jade, we're gunna be there for you."

"I just need you to leave." Jade said coldly and turned away, tucking herself back into her covers while Beck slipped out of the room while Jade cried hard.


	3. Chapter 3

The funeral was unreal, Jade felt like she was in a never ending nightmare, she wished so hard that she was the one in that coffin, not Cat, but no matter how hard she wished, the only thing that awaited her when she opened her eyes was heartbreak and despair.

"It's time to go in." Tori whispered in Jade's ear, she took her by the waist and helped her inside, Jade was thankful for her body strength, because that was the only thing holding her up.

Jade could barely keep it together as they led the coffin up the aisle, _she should be walking down the aisle in a white dress, standing next to me at the altar, not being carried in a coffin, _Jade thought as she felt her chest clench.

The preist got up behind the lectern, "We are gathered here to say farewell to Caterina Valentine, and to commit her into the hands of God."

To Jade's left sits Beck, with his arm firmly around her shoulder, truthfully she's never needed his support more than she does now, the priest carries on, "And now, Caterina's brother, James, would like to say a few words." James Valentine was heartbroken at his sister's death, she was the only one who made an effort to connect with him, his eyes showed nothing but grief,

"I loved that girl from the minute she was born." He began, trying to hold back his tears, "She came into the world screaming, me and dad could hear her from the waiting room." There was a light laugh from her brother, "and then when we came in, and my mom asked if I wanted to hold her, as soon as I had her on my arm she was good as gold." He couldn't go on after that, he couldn't hold it together no matter how hard he tried, he tried so hard to stop the sobbing, but he was overcome with grief, Jade got up and gave him a hug, and his mum helped him get back to his seat.

"Would you like me to take over?" The priest said to Jade,

She turned to him and said, "Can I say something?" the priest nodded, Jade turned to Cat's teary-eyed mother, as if to ask permission, Cat's mother smiled and gave her a curt nod.

Jade got up behind the lectern, "I didn't want to come today. Because coming here would mean seeing the coffin, and seeing the coffin would mean that she was really gone, and I didn't want it to be real, I want this all to be a horrible nightmare that I could just wake up from and find Cat there next to me. Anyone who met Cat would instantly fall in love with her. She'd always make the best out of a bad situation, even on your darkest day she'd put a smile on your face. I was never so happy as when I was with Cat, or so devastated now that she's gone, my heart is truly beyond broken, it's irreparable." Jade had to take a deep breath, she and fought to keep the tears back, but she just couldn't, "She made me feel safe, knowing that I had her in my corner, when no one else was. I don't think its hit me yet that I'm never going to hear her voice, or her laugh, or that I'm never going to see her smile again, I can't imagine my life without her, it feels wrong, like the center of everything has been ripped out." She turns to the coffin beside her and does everything in her power not to drop to her knees and sob, "I'm gunna miss you so much, sweetheart." Tori sobbed on a tearful Beck's shoulder, "Christmas, thanksgivings, you should be there for all that. If I could switch places with you, I'd do it in a heartbeat." When Jade thought she was too broken to carry on, James looked over to her, and nodded, urging her to go on, "I'm going to try and be strong, for you." She said to Cat, "I'm gunna try and keep it together, because that's what would've done, you never gave up. And in a way, you will still be here, because you and I, we've always been connected, and nothing's gunna break that, I truly think that the best part of me died with Cat, because truthfully, she was the best part of me. And not one day will pass when I don't think about her, She'll always be in here." Jade pointed at her heart, and slowly moved away from lectern, before she sat back down, she pressed her fingers against her lips and pressed them down on Cat's coffin, "I'll never stop loving you." She whispered, and walked back over to her seat, as if every step were painful to take.

It was time, it was time to lay Cat to rest, the whole group had gathered around the burial, where Cat would be buried.

The priest was stood at one end of the grave, "In the name of God, the merciful Father, we commit the body of Caterina Valentine to the peace of the grave, we entrust Caterina Valentine into your hands." The priest let three hand-fulls of earth fall on to the coffin, "From dust you came, to dust you shall return. Jesus Christ our saviour shall raise you up again, on the last day. Jesus Christ, is the resurrection and the life, you gave her life receive her in your peace and give her, through Jesus Christ, a joyful resurrection" as they lower her body into the ground, Jade and James are a cluster of sobs and sniffles,as well as everybody else.

Jade is silent in the car as she clings onto Tori's arm, "Do you want me to stay with you for a while?" Tori asks jade once they reach her house, Jade only shook her head, no one could comfort Jade, no one could ease the ache in her heart, and the only person who could was gone forever.

**AN: ****I am so sorry I haven't updated this story for ages, but I need to be in a certain mood to capture the feeling as this story is an incredibly sad story, please review and tell me what you think, love hearing feedback. X**

**Love,**

**Immortalgothgirl**

**xx**


	4. Chapter 4

A week after the funeral, Jade returned to Hollywood Arts, the group were shocked to say the least, no one had expected Jade to come to school, worried as they were, they were starting to think Jade was beyond help. "Jade." Tori gasped, like the girl was a friend who went away for a year, if Jade had the option, she probably would have.

"Hey guys." She gave a small wave to accompany her shaky voice, the streaks in her hair were back, red, for Cat, Jade even smiled at one point, but Tori could see through it, all the make up in the world could not hide that girl's grief.

Jade seemed fine all afternoon, she sat with Beck and Trina all morning doing nothing but laughing, during Sikowitz's lesson Tori could have sworn Jade's laughter could be heard in the hallways, "Shit, I forgot to lock my locker." Tori said as the group were headed to lunch, "I'll catch you guys up in a sec." She raced to her locker, she had a lot of valuable stuff in there, like about two hundred dollars, her songbook and some photos of the group, she thrust the key into the locker, thankful that she got there before anyone else did, but as she turned the corner she bumped into a jumpy Jade,

"Oh, hey Jade I didn't see you there-" Then she looked at her, she almost recoiled with horror, the girl that used to be Jade West was a pale mess, _I knew it! _Tori thought,_ I knew all that this morning was just bravado. _"Um…are you-"

"Yeah-yeah I'm fine." She said quickly, it was clear she was desperate to get away. By chance, Tori glanced down at the bag hanging from Jade's shoulder, and it was by chance that she noticed the half empty bottle of vodka stashed within it. Jade knew Tori had seen it, she shoved past her and sped off into the janitor's storeroom, with Tori running after her.

She walked in to see the bottle raised to Jade's lips, she tried to snatch it off her, but Jade clutched it into her chest, as though it was as precious as a new-born baby, "You can't have it." She said with a crazed defiance,

"Jade, what the hell are you doing?"

Tori couldn't believe this was what Jade had resorted to, but she couldn't blame her, grief does funny things, it clouds your judgment and your mind, allowing you to see nothing beyond that foggy darkness. "It's just a little drink to help me get through the day." She smiled at her as though it was completely ok,

"You need to give it to me." Tori told her, but she clutched the bottle so tight her knuckles turned white.

"No, I'll-I'll throw it in the sink, you don't need to worry."

"But I am worried, Jade." Tori shouted, but Jade cupped her cheeks and stared at her with shiny eyes, Jade looked at her like butter wouldn't melt,

"Look, Tori, I'm sorry I worried you." Tori could smell the burning alcohol on her breath, "But I promise, I'll throw it away if that's what you want, it's no big deal to me." And as Jade turned and poured the rest of the Vodka into the sink, she almost convinced Tori of that.

_Almost._


End file.
